Why am I here?

Josh walks away when I walk into a room. He ignores me when I talk, though he gets pissy if I walk away when he is. He never wants to be around me or the kids. What the hell is my purpose except for a ranting board it seems? Yesterday was the ONLY day he spent ANY significant amount of times with the kids, and that was because I forced him to stay home because we needed to clean up Madison’s room. Right now? He’s off with his dad getting his hair cut. WTF am I here for? I seem to be here only now as a babysitter. I initiate nearly everything (not sex), and most of the time he just blows me off. I can’t take this anymore. After the WIC appointment, I’m coming home, and he can go back on his own if he wants. Without me. No one seems to really want me there, so what’s the point. I’m not going to be the killer of conversations anymore.

We’re Coping

The viewing is on Friday, from 6pm-8pm, with the funeral on Saturday at 10am. Josh goes back to work on Sunday. Found out that they only allow 3 days of berievement, and you can’t use sick time after that. WTF? That’s just messed up. He’s not losing his vacation, so he’ll work for 2 weeks, and then have a week off. He plans on asking Mark (his dad) if he wants to trick-or-treat with us and the kids.

Josh is on his way/in Kansas City to pick up his grandmother (Mark’s mom). Kathy’s parents are both already gone. Kathy was the youngest in her family, and the first to go. Her siblings and Mark’s are going to be coming for the services, and should be arriving tomorrow and Thursday.

Speaking of Thursday, we’ve got their WIC appointment. I’ve got to print out a month of paystubs for it, and tomorrow, I have to fill out what Madi eats. Hopefully she actually eats something. Both she and Ethan, for the past week to two weeks have switched places. He’s not eating and she is. 🙁 We think it’s growth spurt and maybe an ear infection. But, because SRS has decided 2 years into giving the medical coverage, that they need proof that the kids are here legally. WTF? Yeah, um, okay.

Kathy wants her ashes scattered in the Atlantic Ocean. That way, the kids (Jesse, Jamie, and Josh) can just look to the east and speak to her. Or something like that. That’s what I caught as Josh tried to explain in between tears. He cried this morning as a bus drove by.

Mark saw the kids today, and I think I was right. It really did help both him and Jamie to see them. Madi and Kathy were buds, and she emulates her in so many ways, so she’s not really gone. She’ll always be here.

Just Like Her

Josh told me something last night about his mom that made us both laugh. She said that she wanted to be re-incarnated as a turtle. I thought it was so like her to say something like that.

Hearing the buses drive through the complex chokes me up. Kathy drove a bus for the Jackson country school district. One of her routes is in-town kindergarteners, for half-day kindergarten. I wonder how they’re going to tell the kids that she’s gone. Are they just going to say “she’s no longer driving” and send a notice home with the kids, or something else? I’ve always wondered about that.

Kathy is definitely going to be missed. She’s missed already. Josh is in Holton right now, with plans to help his dad plan his mom’s memorial service. She’s not going to have a funeral, since she’s going to be cremated, but that’s all that’s really sure. They don’t know what family, if any, is coming up (they’re in FL and VA). Mark and Julie already plan on going. Mark met Kathy at a football game. Hayden-Holton, I believe it was. Like most everyone who met her, he liked her from the get-go.

I talked to Pappaw and Jerri last night. Pappaw was telling me how much he liked Kathy. He and Jerri got to meet her when Josh and Kathy got the car in VA. I’m so glad they got to meet her before she was gone. Pappaw also told me of how much Kathy liked me. I just hope she knew how much I loved her. She was fast becoming another mom to me.

It breaks my heart when I hear Josh crying, and knowing that I can’t take away the pain. I have no idea what to say or do. This is my first experience, except for Papa, and I was only 5 at the time, with the death of someone close to me that wasn’t a pet.

Good-bye, Mommy Kathy. May your spirit rest peacefully, and may your soul come back as the turtle you’ve always dreamed of.

It’s Bad

It’s really bad. Kathy, Josh’s mom, is gone. She had a heart attack and didn’t make it.

Here’s all I know:
She went to the doctor 2 days ago with pain in her right side and shortness of breath. She got the results yesterday that said everything was fine. Today, she said she couldn’t breathe, and then collapsed on the floor. According to Mark (Josh’s dad), they did compressions the whole way. He doesn’t believe she made it to Holton. Her final wish of having her organs donated was followed.

Tomorrow, Josh is going with his dad to the funeral home to make the arrangements. She’s going to be cremated, per her wishes. When I know more, I’ll let ya’ll know. No one is taking it well at all.

Not Shaping Up Well

Today, so far, isn’t good. Josh’s mom is in an ambulance on her way from Holton Hospital to Stormont Veil. All we know right now is that she can’t breathe, and it’s not sounding good, if Mark’s voice is anything to go by. The kids (Josh, Jesse, Jamie) are being called to SV right now. Please, keep the Harlow family in your thoughts and prayers today. Updates will come as soon as they are available.

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